Kids and the military

Parents, Kids, and Deployments: How to Keep Connected
By Kelli Kirwan

Some of the most heartbreaking moments in your military life will come when you see the tear-streaked faces of your children as they say goodbye to their Mom or Dad because of a deployment or change of duty station.

This Is It. They're Gone.

Whether your spouse leaves by land, air, or sea matters not. They're gone, and there is a physical presence missing in your home. Maintaining a positive and connected relationship between children and active-duty parents is important to the well being of both. It takes effort and creativity, but it is possible to maintain a connection between children and deployed parents.

Before Leaving
Recording the deployed parent reading or telling special stories on audio or videotape is a great way for the kids to have contact with that parent whenever they want.

UTR
Uniting Through Reading (UTR), an underway quality of life program for military families, helps keep parents and children connected during the disconnected times of deployment, through the medium of reading aloud on videotape. The program allows deployed parents and children to communicate in a meaningful way during separations. It also trains parents in techniques to make the videotaped reading personal and interactive. The program boosts family morale and reinforces parental support felt by the spouse at home. It also eases children's fears about parent's absence and reduces anxiety upon reunion. Reading aloud with children has been shown to be the single best predictor of a child's future academic success. It also strengthens the bond between adult and child and provides a bridge for communication and sharing. A General Accounting Office (GAO) survey revealed that after pay issues the most frequently mentioned reason for leaving the military is the frequency of deployments and subsequent effect on time spent with family. The Uniting Through Reading program is one card in the deck of possible solutions by positively impacting quality of life during deployment.

While on Deployment
If there is more than one child in the family, purchase different-colored envelopes. Choose one color for each child. Regular mail is a great way to brighten the day of a child of any age. E-mails are wonderful, but having "real" mail come from Mom or Dad is sometimes just what is needed to chase the separation blues away.

E-mail access is wonderful to have. Just ask anyone who went through a deployment 10 years ago. For children who are older and are able to communicate via e-mail, it is a super tool for them, giving them the ability to discuss issues or concerns and receive messages back without having to wait weeks for a letter.

Sometimes there is nothing like hearing a loved one's voice. It is comforting and reassuring to hear a little one's giggle, which just can't be communicated through writing. To avoid the cost of long distance, try pre-paid phone cards. These are terrific for the parent as well as the kids. If the parent is in a place where he or she can receive calls, giving a phone card to children, especially teens, gives them a sense of control in a situation where they have very little. It can be comforting to know their Mom or Dad is only a phone call away. The cost can be controlled and not get the family in a financial bind.

Lights, Camera, ACTION!
Kids using the video camera and directing their own home movie can provide some heartwarming entertainment for the parent who is not around. Kids can tape the everyday activities of the family or make a story. Record in favorite areas of the home to bring a sense of being home to the one who is gone.

Still Life is True to Life
Pictures just can't be replaced. Parents need photos to pin up around them. Surrounding themselves with what is most important can help them get through some lonely times while away from home.

Don't forget the mail goes both ways. Having pictures or film that is sent back home from the parent who is deployed helps families connect with where their Sailor or Marine has been. Make a scrapbook with pictures on one side from the family and pictures on the opposite page of what the service member was doing around the same time period. This will become part of your family's history and a cherished heirloom.

Care Packages
Putting a box of goodies together is almost more fun for the kids than it is for the parent receiving it. Do a theme box, depending on the month you're mailing it. Let the kids decorate the outside with pictures, stickers, and little notes. The excitement lasts all the way to the post office and while waiting for a response. The deployed parent should be sure to "ooh" and "ahhh" over care packages and express how great the artwork is. Feedback is very important when kids put an effort into sending you a bit of home.

Frame It Up!
Get a great frame for a picture of the parent who is gone for the kids' rooms. Another option is, before the deployment; have a picture taken of each child with Mom or Dad. Pictures sent home from the deployment of their parent are great to frame as well. Go crazy and create a collage! Having pictures that are just theirs gives kids a feeling of being connected. For the little ones, there are toys that you can insert pictures into so they can safely carry them around.

Regardless of what you do, make sure that you're helping promote communication between your children and the parent who is deployed. No matter what age your children are, you can support the relationship between them and their other parent. Knowing that they are loved and important to both parents can overcome the time spent apart. Love knows no limits or boundaries, whether it is land, air, or sea.

Q: I am preparing for my husband's 1 year deployment to Korea. I am particularly interested in ideas that will help my very young children adjust to Daddy's absence and how they can still feel connected with him. My children will be 1 1/2 and 3 years old when my husband leaves. (I have been searching the net for ideas and looking for books on the topic, but have been unsuccessful so far.) Your help would be appreciated.

A: This is easy for me to answer, because leaves once a year for about 3 months at a time. Also I just another question almost just like yours. Another reason this one is easy for me, besides my husband being gone once a year, is that I have a 3 yr old and we have to prepare her when daddy is about to leave and is gone.

Below is some of the things that my friends and I have done to help our children while daddy is gone and to also help daddy.

Get daddy to record his self reading a book, so you will have it to let you children listen to

You can record your husband on video tape playing with kids and reading with them and let them watch the tape while he is gone...your husband will glad to know that the children are hearing his voice and seeing him while he is gone.

At Wal-Mart and other stores you can get a child's play photo album and put pictures of daddy and the kids in it for for them to look and play with. I got my album from Wal-Mart in the baby section and you can also buy stuff toys that are a picture frame, you can get them at the same kind of store. If you need help finding one, let me know.

Talking picture frames will good for you to record your husband's voice on, that might be good for you to keep and help the children work it.

If your kids go to day-care, take pictures there for them tape up. They shouldn't have a problem with that. They did it for us at my daughter's preschool.

Keeping Dad Involved

How do you keep Dad involved even when he is far away? Veteran military mom Charlotte Packard shares seven ideas that kept her family connected through many long deployments.

Disposable cameras. If your child is at least three years old, buy a few disposable cameras and let him document his day to show Daddy. (These can be mailed to dad or kept in a special book for his return, depending on his situation.) You may need to help him take pictures, and you will probably need to limit how many pictures he takes at a time. But it always amazed me to see what my child would choose to remember with a picture, and many times these pictures turned out to be our best memories.

Make a reverse chain. Instead of tearing off a link of a chain for each day until Dad returns (especially when you don't know how long he will be gone), add a link each day. At the end of the day, write a special memory from the day and add the link to the chain. This will be a great way to fill dad in on all the fun (and maybe not-so-fun things!) that happened while he was gone.

Web sites. If you know how to build a web page, make your own family web site. (Even if you have never done it before, many ISPs offer easy templates and tutorials and free server space with your account.) Keep it updated with pictures and news about your family. Many military servicemen have access to the Internet, and they want to see their family's faces as much as we want to see theirs. This will also keep far-away extended family members updated about all that you are facing.

"Chores for Tokens." One of the things that my children enjoyed the most was our "Chores for Tokens" game. I would buy tokens from a local video arcade or family restaurant (like Chuck E. Cheese), and the children would earn tokens for doing their chores, going to bed on time, eating all their vegetables, or whatever was a struggle at the time. Then when Dad got home, he and the children took the tokens and had an afternoon all to themselves! (Not to mention that I got the afternoon all to MYSELF, too!)

Watch me grow. Each week, draw around your child's hand for Dad. This shows dad how much she has grown and helps him feel that he is not completely missing it. On each finger, write something new that she has learned, a fun thing that she said, or an accomplishment that she achieved. These can be kept in a book or mailed weekly.

The Kissing Hand. If dad can send a copy of his handprint, this is good for the child to keep close. I love the book The Kissing Hand, by Audrey Penn, about a little raccoon that is scared to go to school. His mother kisses the palm of his hand so that while he is at school he can remember that she loves him. We took this idea, and each night we kissed the palm of Daddy's hand so that he will remember how much we love him. (I think this might even be nice for mom to have also!)

Thankful tree. Our family made this one year when the deployment was especially long. We started with a poster board of a crudely drawn, barren tree. We cut out construction paper leaves in a variety of colors. Each time someone called with his or her wishes, or mailed us a letter, we put their name on a leaf and added it to our tree of people who were thankful that Dad was making our freedom a priority. If someone came to our house, we explained our tree to them and let them add a leaf. One day, the UPS man came to the door to deliver a package, and my son greeted him, leaf and pen in hand. I explained our tree and said if he would like to add a leaf he could, but "please do not feel obligated." The UPS man filled out a leaf and rather sheepishly glued it to the tree. The next day he came back, this time without a package. He said that he had told his wife about our tree, and she asked him to add her name to it the next time he stopped by our house. What a gift for a military dad and his sometimes lonely wife and children to see how many people are thankful for the sacrifices that he is willing to make!

A deployment can be emotionally challenging for those left behind, especially children. Although children's reactions will vary with their personalities, ages and coping skills, changes as dramatic as deployments will normally be puzzling to all children. Parents wonder about how the separation will affect their children and what their roles as parents will be in assisting children through this time.

In a child's mind, the parent may have chosen to go away and they may feel abandoned. They might feel their parent has gone away because of something they did. Children may feel guilty, believing that their behavior caused their parent to go away. Other feelings of acting out are ones of anger, hostility, a desire for revenge, or a desire to be punished for having such feelings. Children may feel unloved or worthless.

Sensing a loss of continuity, children may continually test the non-deployed parent to find his/her limits. Now that the family structure has undergone some changes, children may feel insecure and act out.

Children going through deployments experience many of the same effects as children of divorce. They worry what will happen to them. Will the non-deployed parent leave, too? Who will take care of them?

The following are signs of separation anxiety: Preschool - Kindergarten: clinging to people or favorite toy or blanket. Unexplained crying or tearfulness, choosing adults over same-age friends. Increased acts of violence toward people or things, shrinking away from people or becoming very quiet, sleep difficulties (nightmares, frequent waking up), eating difficulties and fear of new people or situations.

School-Age Children: any of the signs listed above PLUS: a rise in complaints about stomach aches, headaches, or other illnesses, when nothing physically seems to be wrong, more irritable or crabby, increase in problems at school: drop in grades, unwillingness to go to school or odd complaints about school and/or teachers, behavior changes.

Adolescents: any of the above signs PLUS: acting out behaviors, low self-esteem and self-criticism, misdirected anger, sudden or unusual school problems or loss of interest in usual habits or activities.

What the non-deployed parent can do: support spouse and the unit's mission. Adopting a supportive attitude about the deployment can assist children in doing likewise. Assume the role of disciplinarian before deployment to allow children to adjust. Discuss household chores and let children choose (as much as possible) the chores they'd rather do. Do not burden children with responsibility. Become familiar with some of the excellent children's books listed below that might be helpful during deployment:

I Have Feelings by Terry Berger; The Goodbye Painting by Linda Berman; You Go Away by Dorothy Corey, Dear Dadd by Phillipe Dupasquier; Will Dad Ever Move Back Home? by Paula Hogan; Just Me and My Dad by Mercer Mayer; The Giving Tree by Shel Silverstein; All Kinds of Families and I Wish I Had My Father by Norma Simon; A Father Like That, A Tiger Called Thomas and All Kinds of Families by Charlotte Zolotow.

Turn on your sensors and be tuned into children's needs and worries about deployment. Be honest concerning your feelings and encourage children to express their own concerns and feelings.

The entire family can work together to prepare small care packages filled with family photos, tapes, writing paper, paperback books, cookies, candy etc.

Reassure children of parental love, support and consistency. Keep the same routine and rules during deployment as were in effect before it. Consistency is very important in helping children to maintain a sense of security. Give children a method for measuring the passage of time. Some ideas include crossing days off a calendar, paper chains, jelly beans or M&M's in a jar, etc.

Balance trips and treats. Don't overwhelm children with too much at once. Have realistic expections. Don't expect children to be perfect. Be responsible for discipline. Look for ways to keep deployed parent's presence in day-to-day family life. Have a good photo of the deployed parent in children's bedrooms, and on the refrigerator or kitchen bulletin board. Map the deployed parent's route. Have children do special jobs, such as track the deployed parent's favorite sport team, or water the deployed parent's favorite plant ...... and help wash the CAR! Design a certain portion of the day as Dad's hour or Mom's hour to discuss the deployed parent and think about ways to keep the connection. Talk about the deployed parent as a regular part of the daily conversation. Remember that the way children come through deployment will largely depend upon how the parents handle the deployment. Be up front and honest with your children about your feelings. Children will learn to cope better if they can see that it is difficult for you at times, but you are managing all right.

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Negative body image. During the childbearing years, many women struggle with a negative body image. I (Carrie) discovered that dealing with the reshaping of my body after giving birth required good self-esteem and a great sense of humor. I recently met with a group of women in their forties, and we discussed life during our child-bearing years. We talked about how we looked and how we felt. I don't recall any of us saying, "I sure felt sexy."

Our culture's messages about what makes a woman sexy are very powerful.We've worked with many women who, in spite of what their husbands told them, convinced themselves that they were unattractive and thus undesirable.

No desire. For some women, however, even increased rest and a close, emotionally satisfying marriage can't change the fact that they just don't feel like having sex. If that's your situation, we encourage you to talk with your doctor. While this element of women's health is just beginning to be explored by the medical profession, there is an increased understanding of the ways chemical factors such as hormone levels, depression, or anxiety impact a woman's sexual desire.

A loss of sexual desire after having children is typically thought of as a woman's problem. But many men experience lowered sexual desire as well.

Feeling tired and overwhelmed for long periods of time takes its toll on a man's sexual drive. Medical studies tell us that excess stress can lead to lowered levels of testosterone in men. A man with a stressful job or who doesn't have much down time can suffer this hormonal dip, which impacts his desire for sex.

Sadly, men can find it very difficult to admit this lack of sex drive. Our culture-even Christian culture-promotes the stereotype that men are always in the mood for sex. That stereotype is so ingrained that it can become part of a vicious cycle where a man feels even more stress for not being "manly" enough to want sex, thereby lowering his hormone levels even further and perpetuating the problem. As with women, men who experience a long-term loss of sexual desire should talk with their doctor to rule out physical causes.

Getting your groove back

Whatever issues keep you and your spouse from enjoying a satisfying sex life, one thing is certain: Your sex life impacts your children. Children feel most secure when they sense that their parents are passionate about each other. It is as vital to their development as all those chores and activities you do for them that exhausted you in the first place. In other words, you owe it to your children to do what it takes to rekindle the spark between you and your spouse.

"What it takes" will be different for every couple. Our first two boys arrived 19 months apart, and we experienced the craziness of having two preschoolers in the house. It didn't take us long to recognize that we had to redefine our relationship and rediscover each other.

As tempting as it was, we knew we couldn't put our marriage on autopilot-at least not if we wanted it to stay healthy. We knew that our friendship and romance had developed through the simple, consistent activities we did together. So, we decided to make time for those activities again.

Notice we said make time. As parents, we will never find time to do anything. You will have to determine in advance what is important, then make time to pursue it.

Make time to talk. Early in our relationship, we'd spend hours just talking. It became one of our most meaningful ways of growing closer.

Once we had kids, most of our conversations were about the boys and the business of parenting. So we decided to make time to "chat" with one another. My (Gary) experience is that, for most of us men, "chatting" doesn't come naturally, especially if it's about small stuff and relationships. However, I've learned that chatting is a very intimate experience for women.

When men choose to learn how to chat with their wives-to ask meaningful questions and really listen to the answers, to share their own feelings and desires-they are communicating interest and respect, building trust and closeness that will help their wives feel more emotionally intimate with them.

I'm not suggesting you fake your way through a conversation in hopes of having sex later on. Instead, we simply need to recognize that a woman's desire to "just talk" for a while is a real and valid need. When that need for an emotional connection is met, it will often translate into a renewed desire for a sexual connection as well.

Make time to play. On the other hand, a woman can learn that just sitting with her husband and not chatting can be very intimate for him! Men's friendship needs often look different than those for women. Men enjoy doing activities-golfing, biking, gardening, jogging. I (Carrie) encourage you to open yourself up to joining your husband in some of these activities.

Women aren't the only ones who want someone who trusts, respects, and understands them. Play together, laugh together, break out of your roles as parents and remind each other what brought you together in the first place.

As you renew your friendship, you'll increase the sense of comfort and safety you feel with one another, which leads to increased trust. That will often result in greater desire and increased intimacy.

Share the load. Of course all this connecting takes time and energy. As we mentioned earlier, we've worked with hundreds of couples who deeply loved each other but were simply too tired to be intimate.

Balancing the demands of work, home, and family requires a team effort. No one person can do it all. I (Carrie) love it when Gary joins me in the evenings to clean up after dinner or fold laundry. Ever since I told him that vacuuming and putting away the dishes is a kind of foreplay, he has been much more eager to help! Sexual intimacy often begins when a couple shares not just a bed but all aspects of their relationship.

Be honest. We've been surprised to find that couples often do not talk about sex, even when they are experiencing a problem. They may talk about the surface issues, such as frequency, exhaustion, or the lack of romance, but they don't talk about the details. Intimate and mutually satisfying sex requires that couples be willing to talk openly about sexual needs, wants, and expectations. Talking about these things doesn't always mean that all your needs will be met all the time, but it opens the door to a more honest, trusting relationship, which is at the heart of a satisfying sex life.

Think good thoughts. Most of us know that men are typically more easily aroused than women. I (Carrie) encourage the women I counsel to try giving sex some thought during the day. A romantic thought or two can really be helpful when you crawl into bed with your husband that night.

We also encourage both husbands and wives to think positively about each other as much as possible. It's so easy to focus on the ways our spouse is to blame for sexual problems. But thinking loving, kind, and tender thoughts about your spouse can help you feel more connected.

Having children presents tremendous blessings, challenges, and opportunities. One of those challenges is to keep your marriage healthy and growing in the face of constant distraction. But one of the opportunities that comes with parenthood is the chance to discover more about the complex person God created in your spouse.

Give this area of your relationship over to prayer. Talk to each other about what you really need and want from your sex life and your marriage. Commit yourselves to deepening your relationship for the sake of each other, and your kids.

Carrie Oliver is a Licensed Professional Counselor at the PeopleCARE Counseling Centers in Siloam Springs, Arkansas. Gary Oliver is executive director of the Center for Marriage and Family Studies at John Brown University. Together they wrote Raising Sons.and Loving It! (Zondervan)